Founding Fathers’ Message Unclear: MS NOW host uses God-given rights to kick God out of the Declaration of Independence

May 26, 2026 – By IFI

AMERICA, 1776 – Jefferson, Adams and Franklin are hunched over a creaky wooden table, rereading their work for the millionth time.

“Could we be any clearer?” Adams asks, looking to both men for reassurance.

All eyes flit down to the section he’s talking about. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Jefferson shakes his head. “It’s plain as day. It’s the premise of why we’re writing the document, for heaven’s sake!”

“Agreed.” Franklin’s face scrunches. “Although if someone were to misinterpret…” Silence falls over the men like a fog. Franklin clears his throat. “I just don’t see how that’s possible. They’d have to misunderstand our entire purpose for writing this.” All nod.

“Carry on, then.” Adams says. The discussion continues…

AMERICA, PRESENT DAY – Katy Tur, a celebrated MS NOW host, recently led a discussion on Mike Johnson’s “disputable” statements regarding the Declaration of Independence.

“What about this passage [where he] declar[es] that ‘Our rights do not derive from the government. They come from you: Our Creator and Heavenly Father.’” Tur squinted at the camera. “Is this him putting God over the Declaration of Independence?” 

Many of Katy’s viewers agreed with this question. Reporters caught this conversation between a few of them after the show ended. “If the founding fathers had really meant that our rights come from God, they should have just SAID that!” huffed the group’s leader.

One of the quieter members piped up, “But the declaration does say that, though–”

“Oh yeah? Sure it does.” Another girl mocked, rolling her eyes.

“Besides,” their leader continued, “why would you want to take rights from an unpredictable God when you have a trustworthy government looking out for your welfare? I think what the founding fathers really intended is quite clear.”

Meanwhile, up in Heaven, Jefferson, Adams, and Franklin exchange glances. “Apparently not.”

Note: This is a satirical piece. All individuals, quotes, and scenarios are fictionalized.

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Indy professors baffled at receiving an ‘F’ for political tolerance. Meanwhile, campus-wide brawl breaks out over hurt feelings.

May 21, 2026 – By Marybeth Struble

INDIANA – College professors were stunned this week after finding out the state received an F overall for political tolerance. 

But the report that brought this bad news didn’t stop there. It also ranked IU Bloomington as one of the worst colleges in the nation, 255 out of 257. Reporters went to investigate how the students and faculty were holding up after this devastating news and hear their opinions.

Esteemed professor, Dr. C.N. Shorship, told reporters, “I just don’t understand how we got an F. Here at IU Bloomington we promote freedom of expression in all of its forms…and that includes getting physical with someone if they happen to disagree with you.”

One of Dr. Shorship’s students shared a similar sentiment, “This is Hoosier discrimination at its finest!” he yelled at reporters. “I say we find those bigots and give them an F!”

The campus is currently in an outrage. Students and faculty caught defending the report have been tackled on sight, and in the cafeteria, pelting the disagreers with fruit has been highly encouraged.

Dr. Shorship smiled when he walked in on the ensuing chaos. “It makes me so happy to see our students embracing freedom of speech. I mean, who cares about a report when you get to see this first-hand?”

A conservative student, disguised in Groucho glasses, had a different take on the situation. “Biggest mistake of my life saying that report was spot on! I’ve had to go in cognito mode ever since! I’m afraid if I take these glasses off someone will recognize me and I’ll get tackled on the spot. There’s no way I’m letting that happen.” The student looked dazed. “Not again.”

In other news, California teachers celebrate not being the only state the report gave an F to.

Note: This is a satirical piece. All individuals, quotes, and scenarios are fictionalized.

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